Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
