Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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