Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
