There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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