got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
