its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
