I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize