Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
