Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
