Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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