You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
