flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
