I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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