I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
