She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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