bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
