you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
