two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
