i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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