Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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