You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
