I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't deserve a penis
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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