all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
