dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
