My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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