How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
