Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
