I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
