If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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