It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
so much tequila, so little girl.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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