I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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