I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
