Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
