Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
