I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize