I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
