Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
