Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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