I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
