he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How does one acquire holy water?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
