girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
