is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
