Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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