You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
