I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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