I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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