my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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