just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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