im having a threesome with these popsicles
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize