He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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