dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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