I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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