It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
