Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
