I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
