I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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