last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize