Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
