I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
