Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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