I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
