Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
