I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
